Am I Game?

A few years back a friend turned me on to Dan Savage's advice collum. Though I'll admit I've only glanced at it a few times I've been a "fan from a distance" of his work & sexual philosophy for a long time now. One such philosophy that I recently re-read was the concept of GGG. Taken from Dan's wiki GGG is described as the following:

"Dan Savage and his readers often use the abbreviation "GGG." It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything—within reason." The term has inspired a cocktail and the "How GGG Are You? Test" on the popular Internet dating site OKCupid."

A wonderful concept to be sure & at the risk of sounding preachy, one that I think we should all pay attention to. I mean who doesn't want a lover who is good in bed, giving, and game to do whatever wild shit you may want to try?!

So I asked myself the question am I GGG? 

Good

Do I strive to be good in bed? Yes. 

Am I good in bed? That's a subjective question I suppose, I've had dynamite sex with some people, good sex with others & horrible sex with some too.Who hasn't? Some people's chemistry & genitals just work well together, others not so much. However without sounding like an egomaniac I'd say yes I'm pretty good in bed. Chemistry aside I strive to be good in bed no matter who I'm with & I think that's the point. Plus with the most important person in my sexual life I know I'm good in bed. Minx & I fuck like porn stars together and I have no doubts about my abilities to get her off.... and break our bed frame. 

Giving

Am I a giving lover? I think so yes. I always try to put my partners pleasure ahead of my own & I'm the type that get's off on getting my partner off. I even get off on getting my partner off in the confines of BDSM, though I'm no service top it's a submissive's (positive) reactions to what I'm doing to them that really put me in Top Space & during the time when I do bottom I get off on pleasing.

Game

Am I game? .....hmmmmm, yeah I'm down for pretty much anything but am I really game? More importantly with the one person who I should really care about am I game for anything within reason? 

uh-oh. 

_______

If I could pick one thing that I've learned about sex & about life in general over the past few years that I consider to be the most important & yet hardest for me to follow through on consistently is the following: 

Take what comes to you, say yes to things even if it's out of your comfort zone because you never know if this is your last chance. Live with no regrets.

A prime example of this lesson: chastity

Yeah you read that right. 

Years ago, not long before I went Dom I was dating a fantastic Domme (ironically the same person who introduced me to Dan Savage!) who wanted to try some chastity play with me and I believe my response was something akin to "Fuck that!" I had my reasons & to this day most of those reasons make that response perfectly valid. Truth is I'm just not capable of being submissive long enough to not say "fuck this" at some point & I suspect that point would come fairly quickly. The real problem? 

I didn't listen, not even a little. I was not into it & that was that.  

It wasn't until months later that we really talked about it. By then I had gone Dom, we had become friends & she had met a wonderful guy that would one day become her husband. When she told me that she had him locked up I started asking questions. The answers to those questions were pretty fucking hot & I immediately regretted not giving it a shot when I had the chance. I regretted it even though I knew any long term, or even moderate term chastity would drive me nuts in the not fun way.  

Why?

Because I passed up an experience that I was likely never to get again simply because I wouldn't listen. It was a powerful lesson for me then & five years later it continues to be, one I still struggle to remember when I should. 

I wrote in No More Boxes "Life is nothing but a series of experiences & relationships. To limit what you're willing to experience is to invite regret into your life and to me there is nothing more tragic" and that holds true here. I passed up an experience & I burdened myself with regret for one reason & one reason alone.

I wasn't game.   

_______

During my last visit with Mistress Lilyana an evil smirk came over her face. "I have an idea!" she exclaimed & within seconds produced a cock cage like this.

I'm not going to lie, I was excited.

Since turning down the chance years ago being locked up became quite the fantasy of mine fueled by regret. Notice how I say "being locked up" not chastity. I think calling what we did for 6 or 7 hours "chastity" would get me punched in the face by a few people I know & love & rightfully so! But since I turned it down all those years ago I've become amazed by the psychology of it, of what it would feel like and now I got to finally get a little taste of that. Maybe just enough to erase some regret, to correct past mistakes.

Plus it was just fucking hot.

Damn right I was excited.

I ended up putting the first part of the cage on myself, putting a cock ring on someone with balls as big as mine takes practice after all. ;) Then we both worked getting the cage on until it was almost there and she took over. It made a distinctive *snap* as the cage lined up with the holes in the ring & so did the lock when it *clicked* into place. Then she had me hook the anklet on her ankle that had the key attached.

Holy crap.

I couldn't describe to you the feeling if I tried. I was a range of emotions, some rough to swallow but most of them good and I was incredibly turned on. Plus, truthfully it looked fucking sexy, it felt sexy.

She teased me a little for awhile, I started to get hard but could only get maybe 1/3 of the way there because of the cage. I expected it to hurt, this was the part I was dreading but it didn't, it just felt like pressure. Not long after she had me go to the kitchen & get her some champagne. As I bent over the get the bottle near the bottom of the fridge I noticed quite a large amount a pre-cum drooling from my cock....

no-no I wasn't enjoying this one bit.

After some more play we decided to go out to dinner & yes it was left on. This part was interesting, the cage itself was very comfortable apart from the ring stretching my balls from the weight of the metal which caused me to get up & adjust a few times. As for the feeling of being out in public like that even though no one knew? I wasn't a fan, you would think the reverse would be true but it wasn't. I don't bottom to many people or two often & even when I do I have to work through things sometimes. Being in public made me feel exposed & not in a good way. My bottom side is immensely private, even writing about this & putting it out there is a big step for me. Still it was a fun experience, one that may grown on me someday.

What happened next however doesn't need to grown on me.

We got back to Lilyana's place & after some lounging she had me naked & began to tease. Now I'll admit I love being edged & I hate it all at the same time, how it's supposed to be I suppose but getting teased & "edged" while wearing that cage?

HOLY FUCK

I'm not sure how long it lasted, couple of hours me thinks but it's all a bit of a blur. Regardless it was one of the single most intense experiences of my kinky life, maybe THE most intense experience of my kinky life. The pressure building and building, the sight of my cock swelling through the gaps in the cage, THE SENSITIVITY! Holy shit, there were a few spots on my cock that felt like what I can only imagine a women with a ridiculously sensitive clit would feel.

Admittedly I fucking loved it, everything about it, Lilyana was amazing the whole time & damn sexy about it too. I even loved the marks that were left on my cock when it finally came off & seeing just how much pre-cum came pouring out of me.

Best part of all? I got to quell some of that curiosity & regret that's been hounding me for years. Even if I don't ever experience that again it was well worth it for that reason alone but instead I got to enjoy one of the most amazing experiences of my sexual life for one reason & one reason alone.

Because I was game

well..... that and Lilyana's bad ass skills!

_______

The hardest thing I deal with when I bottom is telling Minx about it. 

Don't get me wrong, it's gotten easier, a lot easier, especially over the last few months. Yet old insecurities die hard & showing that side of me to her is the worst one I think I've ever had in my life for reasons that I won't rehash here (again). Basically it's been like covering up a bad tattoo.

I got home from Lilyana's the following Sunday afternoon & we curled up in bed to watch the hockey game & get some snuggle time in. We chatted & talk quickly turned to what had happened, *gulp*. Truthfully the ever present "holy crap what will she think of this?!" was at an all time low not only because I'm getting more comfortable but that my experience was so intense for ONCE I was just a little bit excited to share it with her. So I told her the gory details, her response? 

"I want to do that!"

"Sorry baby, I don't think that's happening." I responded.

"I know" She said with more than a little bit of sadness in her voice. You see for a long while now Minx has wanted to explore topping & I've been all for it but she's wanted to play with me & I just haven't been able to even fathom going there. Not just because of the insecurities I've had about showing her that side of me but simply because she's my girl  

...and then it hit me, as I lay there it hit me. 

This is me not being game.

Now in my defense when it comes to the realm of BDSM Minx will always be mine as it were, at least in a mental sense. The reality of the situation is far different however, though we do have a subtle D/s thing going on that's more about how we are with each other on a daily basis & not in a more defined Dominant/submissive relationship. That is something we gave up trying to achieve a long time ago when we realized that to get there we were going to have to make sacrifices neither of us were willing to make but still in my head she's mine & that makes being game for something of that nature extraordinarily difficult.

But "one should strive to be game for anything—within reason." 

So no matter how I look at it all of this boils down to one question:

Is me bottoming to Minx "within reason"?

.......................

.......................

...............fuck
Yes, yes it is. It's perfectly within reason.

  

Mistress Lilyana

A few  years back I stumbled upon an article called: "The 100 Greatest Sex Bogs" & I scanned over it looking for some interesting BDSM blogs. I followed a few & most turned out to bore me fairly quickly (as most things do) but one that really stood out to me was Mistress Lilyana's blog. It didn't take long to see why she was on the list, not only was her writing superb but the details of her play were HOT! 

Fast forward six months later to when I joined Twitter, it wasn't long before I discovered that she had a Twitter account & I immediately started following her. A few comments & conversations later & we became fast friends. Admittedly I always wanted to play with her since the day I first read her blog but circumstances being what they were, my own insecurities with my bottom side still needing work & geography issues took that idea off the table until fairly recently.

Then when Minx & I first started talking about going Poly I started thinking about what (who;) I wanted to do. It didn't take much thinking, hands down my list started with visiting & playing with Lilyana. Luckily she was going to be in the area visiting some mutual friends not long after & we arranged to meet in person for the first time. Minx & I had dinner with her close to New Years Eve & to my delight she was just as awesome in person as she was online. Plus Minx loved her, that was huge for me. I value Minx's opinion more than anyone's & can't imagine spending time with someone she didn't feel comfortable with, especially the first time we did something like this. Not to mentioned she liked a Domme I was interested in, that alone helped to further put my insecurities with showing Minx that side of me to rest.

So three weeks ago I drove out to spend the weekend with her & we had an amazing time! There wasn't a whole lot of play per se, we spent most of the time getting to know each other better & enjoying each others company the details of which we're rather private to all but those who are close to us which is why I haven't written much about it.

This past weekend I went out for another visit & again we had an amazing time. This time there was more play, wonderful sexy play including one of the most intense experiences I've ever had in my 8 years of BDSM play. This however raises a unique dilemma in terms of my blog. I almost never share the gory details of my sexual exploits for a few reasons, some of which I've written about before. Adding to my usual trepidation of oversharing is the fact that the play has me in a bottom role which I tend to be extraordinarily private about, so much so that even Minx doesn't know all of the gory details.

Yet I feel like I'm not doing the experience or my time with Lilyana justice without sharing. After all it was the details she shared in her own blog that first enamored me to her & our time together has been so good, so much fun that they are worthy of being gushed about. Worse yet might I be doing myself a disservice by not putting it out there? Just as her blog first attracted me to her may I be closing myself off to attracting possible future connections (with me on top or bottom) simply out of silly fear?

In my next post I plan on sharing some of the details about our play but for now let me just say that not only has the play been amazing but so has a friendship that has developed quicker than most. Not only is Mistress Lilyana one amazing Domme, she's an amazing person & a wonderful friend. We already have an amazing rapport with each other & have spent some hilarious time with each other the details of which really are no one's business. ;)

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go work on my next post!

Possibilities

Insomnia. It's a beast that I have struggled with on & off for ages. Stubborn as I am I've never sought out help for it until tomorrow when I go to my doctor. I am at the end of my rope & it takes a lot to wear me down. The past three weeks have been brutal. On top of being sick I've gone through one of the worst bouts I've ever dealt with & none of the usual remedies are doing the trick. So whats been keeping me up?

Possibilities.

I am ADHD. That means when my brain gets excited about something it's very difficult to think about anything else. Medication has helped me tremendously over the past few years but sometimes at night when it's quiet, when I have time to think and I'm horny as all hell all I can think about are the possibilities.

Minx & I going poly over the last few months has been very hard, more so on me than her I'm sad to admit. I always thought that it would be the reverse but it hasn't been. It's been an emotional roller-coaster & it seems like we are constantly talking about the difficulties with each other or arguing more than we normally do. Despite this I know this is the right decision and that I want this just as much as she does. I know that my issues stem mostly from tricks my mind is playing on me & the shock of rapidly evolving our relationship in such a drastic new way. How do I know it's the right choice you ask? Because late at night when all is quite & I'm alone with my thoughts the hardship isn't whats on my mind.

It's the possibilities.

The possibilities of what I can do, what I can explore & who I can explore them with. The possibilities are endless & to be frank my brain is fucking excited about them!

It seems like the thoughts are out of control sometimes, desperately looking for release. That's what ADD does sometimes, it's an itch that you can't scratch until you experience the object of your thoughts and with endless possibilities, endless combinations, I've got a few itches that I just can't quite reach yet.

That's how I know going poly is the right decision. The tough times are a very small percentage of my actual thoughts it just seems like it's a bigger deal because that's been the focus of Minx & I's discussions lately. The rest of the time I can't stop being excited about being able to do all of the things that I could ever want to do.

Some nights I can't stop thinking about where things with Mistress Lilyana will go, what we'll do together, how things will evolve & just how deep I might be able to dive into my bottom side again.

Other nights I think of the reverse. I finally got a little taste of what I craved as a bottom again & since I have the fog has cleared a little bit. I was so caught up with scratching that itch that I realize now just how much I've ignored my Dominant nature. I miss having a submissive, I crave that connection again. It's time to get back out into the lifestyle & give myself the chance of meeting someone.

Some nights it's about our friends. We are lucky enough to have so many amazing friends in our lives, friends that enjoying sexual situations with would be very possible. I would love to spend time & enjoy myself with so many of them in a kaleidoscope of combinations that overwhelms my brain sometimes. One night I was so caught up in these thoughts that I started a wish list in my brain of the "perfect" situations that I would like to experience only to find out my wish list is rather endless. One of these days I hope to have the courage to approach these people because I think some of these ideas could be quite wonderful.

Then last night happened, last night was special. Yesterday a very unique possibility was presented to me and as per usual it was on my mind as I tried to find sleep. This is one of those things that comes along once in a lifetime if even that. It's still not set in stone, it's still in the "lets talk about this" phase & the principles & I have to sit down and have a long chat about the gory details because it has a very real chance of touching on some very heavy subject matter for one of those involved. Still my brain was excited & I couldn't help but think about some ideas I had about the possible scene if the Top involved feels like it would be a good addition to what she has planed. If I decided to go through with this which at the moment I believe I will if it comes to fruition.

There is a lot to be excited about, so many infinite possibilities. For my ADD brain this can be incredibly overwhelming at times because to put it simply:

I want it all & I want it now.

I'm a hedonist after all.

I suppose it beats being kept awake at night by negative thoughts. I'm so lucky that I have such an amazing wife that I can share this with. A wife I'm learning to share with others more than I ever thought I would & who is so good at sharing me. I feel blessed to have the freedom to explore my sexuality in ways people can only dream & I love Minx even more for giving me the gift of that freedom. With that in mind I suppose it's only fitting that I end this with the final thought I can remember having last night before I finally passed out, the only thought that really maters:

"I love my life" 

Having The Best Time Possible with Nuru Lube (aka The Most Fun You Can Have Legally)

What an amazing weekend. I have plenty to write about how things went this weekend for Minx & I & how much fun I had with my new Vegas play partner but I want to spend some more time processing things before talking about it but one of the highlights of this weekend has inspired me to write about something that is one of the most fun sexual things I’ve ever done & have been wanting to get out there for a long time now:

NURU LUBE!!!!!

I first heard about this stuff from one of my favorite blogs named The Beautiful Kind. The blogs owner Kendra Holliday is a wonderful writer & someone I consider to be a bit of a hero in the sex positive movement. (I can’t recommend her blog enough.) One day mid last year I read a blog of her’s entitled "Nuru Lube Fantasy Comes True" and holy shit did I get excited. I’ve been reading her blog long enough to realize that her raving about this stuff like she was meant it was something special & the photos of her & her partner using the stuff looked sexy but what really sold me was the video she posted of two people enjoying it. I bought some immediately & a few weeks later we tried it.

HOLY SHIT WAS IT FUN!!!!! 

It was incredible! Just as fun as it looked & well deserving of the extremely high praises Ms. Holliday had given it.

I can’t stress this enough: Everyone should try it once!

Especially sex geeks, kinksters, sensualists, couples, swingers, poly people, hedonists, etc. If you're not a “let’s have sex missionary style with the lights off and only for procreation” type of person you need to experience this stuff at least once in your life.

I could go on and on about how good it feels or how fun it is but if you want to know more about those details check out Ms. Holliday's blog post. (If not for the info for the hotness!) No what I want to share with you is my experience. See I’ve done it three times now & every time has been great but the first few times there were some mistakes. This weekend my new play partner & I did it and it came out just perfect so here is how we did it & some things I’ve found that work really well over the other two times.

How to Have an Amazing Nuru Massage Experience:

Now before I freak you out with all kinds of instructions know that this is very easy to do & fun but paying attention to the little details can take it from a great experience to an amazing one! So here is what you need to get it done & need to do to make it the best experience possible:

Ingredients:

-17 oz bottle of Nuru Gel, If it looks a bit pricey but you won’t think that once you've given this stuff a try. You need about 17oz per 2 -3 people. It may not look like much but trust me a little bit of this stuff goes a long way & I've never ran out with 2 people & it was just enough for 3. Also you're going to want to do this again, probably not long after your first go so getting twice as much for a lot less per ounce in the 34 oz bottle is easily be worth splurging for.
-Blowup Mattress
-Vinyl Waterproof mattress cover, Optional but it makes cleanup much easier & they are cheap.
-Bowl
-Measuring cup
-Towels, Which you may not need.
-Water
-2+ Sexy people

Step 1, Prep the Space:

Figure out a good location for where you want to put the blow up mattress. If you have a fireplace I can't recommend doing this nearby it enough because warmth is going to be the number one thing you're going to want to focus on here. The room should be somewhere in the neighborhood of 75-80 degrees. Anything else is going to be way too cold & trust me that sucks, you're going to be wet & naked a lot.

Get your mattress blown up, if you splurged for the waterproof mattress cover (& I hope you did) get that on it now as well. Finally get some towels & lay them nearby, you may want to lay some around the mattress but honestly this stuff is nowhere near as messy as it looks & it almost cleans itself up so you probably won't need them.

Get the mood lighting like you prefer & maybe throw on some sexy music. Also you probably won't need any but if you want any toys to play with get them now & place them close by, once you start your not going to want to get up. (insertables can be fun!) After that your space should be ready.  

Step 2, Prep the Lube:

Before I get to mixing the lube with water I want to share little trick I read online earlier today. Before you start prepping your space get a bowl filled with warm water & stick the bottle containing the lube into the warm water filled bowl. Do not stick the lube in the water! Just the bottle with the lube in it. This will allow the lube to warm up which again is a really good thing.

Once you have your space set up it’s time to mix up the lube. Get your bowl, the lube & your measuring cup. & dump the lube into the bowl. Next with your measuring cup pour in a ½ a cup of warm water into the bowl per every 17oz of lube you are using & give it a quick stir with your hand. DO NOT use more than a 1/2 a cup per every 17oz as the lube will start to lose its slipperiness & break down faster than it should. If for some reason you don't have a measuring cup handy & have to guess put very little water in. A 1/2 a cup is probably a lot less than you think it is & you don't want to ruin your slippery investment & end your fun before it begins. Also remember that by now you maybe thinking that you don't have enough lube as you look at how much is in the bowl. Trust me when I say its enough, it goes far. (Again 17oz per 2 people, 3 max)

Your lube is now ready! Stick it by the mattress & get ready to have some fun, we're almost there!

“If I can trust you to slap my balls you can trust me to mix the lube properly” 


Step 3, Get Wet!!

No not like that sickos, not yet anyway. The next step is to take a warm bath or shower together but when you’re done whatever you do do not dry off! Hop out of the shower & hurry over to the mattress, it’s time to get slippery!

Step 4, Get Lubed

One of you should lay down on the mattress while the other dips their hands into the lube & lets it pour onto their partner then start rubbing it on & rubbing against each other. After that experiment & do whatever comes naturally but whatever it is you're going to have an erotic slippery time!

Remember this stuff is 98% natural & 100% safe, odorless & tasteless. Which means you can suck & fuck each other to your hearts content! Just be careful not to slip off the mattress! This is probably the slipperiest stuff you’ve ever encountered so be careful

Step 5, Clean Up

Now your thinking “Here is the catch”. Well guess what? Nope. Clean up is really easy. When your done just hop back in the shower. The water will bring some of the slipperiness back but just add a little soap and BAM! Lubes gone. As for the mattress it’s as simple as pulling the cover off and either tossing it in the washing machine or just tossing it period. If you didn’t use the cover you should probably wait till the lube dries out a little then take it outside & hose it down with some soap but for $10 or less you can get the cover & not have to deal with all that work! As for getting any off the floor? Well the three times I’ve done it I’ve been prepared to clean a big mess & have never had to clean a drop up!

Other Thoughts:

This stuff is probably the best lube I've ever used for insertions, particularly fisting. If you're a fisting aficionado you have to try it. As long as this stuff keeps moving it stays slippery so once there is enough you have to add very little if any. Two out of the three times I've done this have ended up involving me fisting a partner! Hell there were even 4 fingers in my ass the other night without me breaking a sweat!

So there it is! My little guide to having a great time with Nuru Lube! I can't stress this enough: Everyone should try it! It’s romantic, sexy, fun, erotic, etc. Have fun & be safe everyone!

No More Boxes

When I started in the lifestyle I identified as a submissive. Although I was always curious about both roles when I first got involved this child of a 50’s like upbringing was overwhelmed by the experiences I was having & taking the submissive role fit well. There was always time to explore the other side later when I was more comfortable in my own skin.

Fast forward a few years down the line & that time came when on January 5th 2008 I had what at the time I could only describe as a “religious experience”. I was in San Francisco to meet a Domme I had met online but when she started to take me as it were I reached up, pulled the blindfold off my face & said:

“I can’t do this”

“Why not?” she asked

“Because I’m a Dom.”

To my surprise her next words were “I know”

Supposedly she had seen it & it’s not a wonder why. For months I had been changing & my last relationship with a wonderful person which had gone south for few reasons was greatly impacted by the fact that I just wasn't submissive to her anymore.

That day it all clicked & I tapped into a part of myself, a powerful part of myself, that I had never known existed and I used that power well. I was a late bloomer, a man-child as it were but within a month I was living on my own & making major changes to my lifestyle including diet & exercise which lost me close to 50 lbs in just over 5 months. I decided, demanded even that 2008 would be the best year of my life & it was even before I met & fell in love with my wife, I felt unstoppable.   

Of course the rug quickly got pulled out from under me.

I can’t remember when it happened or how, maybe I saw a picture that turned me on or I was reminiscing about past experiences but I had a fantasy & I was the submissive in it. It scared me, I feared that I was going to lose what I had gained & scared that my new love would leave me based on her own insecurities she had voiced to me. I was terrified of what it implied & all I could do was live in denial of my desires even as they slowly became more common.

Over the next few years my insecurities only got worse & I slowly lost touch with what I had tapped into in myself. I knew my fears were moronic & baseless but as I said in my last post there is a difference between knowing something & knowing something & it’s a lesson I learned the hard way during this time.

Now-a-days things are different. Over the last two years I’ve slowly started to come around & relax about it, I’ve been able to talk to Minx about it more easily & bottomed occasionally here and there. I even changed my FetLife to read “switch” & left it that way, silly as it seems that was a big step for me. I even began to refer to my insecurities in the past tense & a lot of them are but not all. They still linger, they still flare up now and again & no matter how much I work at it I feel like two sides & sets of desires that are at odds with each other.

It became more clear to me when I came to understand from just where in my psyche my submissive side comes from: it’s truly the exact opposite of my Dominant side. Suddenly it made sense why both sides of me were at war with each other & why they had trouble co-existing with each other. This understanding helped me make peace with myself but this peace wasn’t a reconciliation just an understanding between two sides of myself that let me explore both sides independently of each other. It helped a great deal but both parts of me were still wrapped up in their own little boxes, compartmentalized away from each other.

Last night I realized this just won't do either.

I've long known that putting too much weight on labels is a mistake. They box us in, stop us from exploring things we might otherwise. Words like Dom(me), sub, Top, bottom, switch, etc. have definitions that are far too narrow to encompass any humans sexuality including my own. Assigning inflexible labels to ourselves can stop us from experiencing things that we might otherwise like to and limits the type of relationships we can enjoy with others.

One of the very reasons my submissiveness came roaring back is because of regret. Regret of things that I did not get to do the first time, experiences that I wanted to have that never did. If I died today I'd have a lot of regret because of it, a whole aspect of myself left unexplored. For someone who is obsessed with self knowledge this is a horrible fate to contemplate.

"Fuck that" I thought to myself last night.

Life is nothing but a series of experiences & relationships. To limit what you're willing to experience is to invite regret into your life and to me there is nothing more tragic. To assign an inflexible label to yourself prevents you from being open to certain types of relationships that you otherwise might enjoy. To put yourself in a box that closes you off from good things that may come into your life seems like such a horrible waste.

I'm done.

I'm exhausted from dealing with silly insecurities. I'm through with even thinking about labels, labels that I know do nothing but limit me in enjoying my life. It's time for me to practice what I preach, to just let go & be me, to let myself enjoy whatever comes along no matter what.

No more boxes. 

"I don't fits so good in this."

This weekend my wife and I are taking a major step in our lives together. This weekend for the first time we are playing with other people separately from each other. She's staying local and playing with a new friend and I'm going to Las Vegas to play with a wonderful Domme who I've gotten to know quite well over the past few years. To tell you the truth along with my excitement I've been scared shitless for the obvious reasons and others many of them once again wrapped up in my stupid fears. Fears that I'm not letting control me anymore. I've still got work to do but no more boxes, no more denying myself things that I may enjoy, no more putting restrictions on relationships that may develop naturally over time.

What will my relationship be with this new Domme? Up until now I've only ever allowed for the possibility of us being play partners and nothing more. How boring. What if we have an incredible connection & I want to be her sub? To be collared by her? To be her slave if we want that even? Sure that last one is incredibly far fetched for me to see as realistic, I don't have a slave’s heart but am I going to close the door on that possibility before I even get to know her or myself better? Why? Because of fear?

Fuck that noise.

With this new mindset I'm even more excited about this than I thought possible. What'll happen? Who will I be in 5 years because of it? Probably someone very different than I am now or maybe not at all different but its funny to think that its almost 5 years to the day when I was in San Francisco & "went Dom". Now I know I was just a stupid boy who thought he had it all figured out.

Now?

Well now I realize I don't have any of it figured out and that makes life a lot more free & exciting. Which is a hell of a lot better than being stuck in some stupid box.

The Possibility of Going Poly

Polyamory.

I have a lot of friends who have been very successful with it & I have heard less horror stories about it than I have about monogamous relationships. As far as I can tell if the people involved have their shit together it can & does work. True of anything I suppose but a polyamorous relationship requires a level of work & security that I feel many people do not posses let alone for all partners involved to do so. It also seems to be a very polarizing subject with people even in the kink community, at least in a personal sense that is. People are either wired that way or they are not but Minx & I have always been a little bit different.

When I met Minx I was just a week out of a relationship that taxed me pretty brutally. The only reason I agreed to go out on a date at all was how great our email communication had been & how cute her smile was (my number 1 thing in a women physically... seriously:) but if it hadn't worked out I really wouldn't have cared. (Then, not now obviously!!) The result? Honesty. I have never been more brutally honest on a first date in my life. I told her within the first hour:

"I don't think I can be with one women for the rest of my life"   

Who the fuck says that on a first date?! If I was the girl I would have felt like crap. I barley know this girl & I'm already telling her that she alone can not possibly meet all of my needs. That sucks. At least it would have if she didn't reply:

"I don't think I can be either" 

O_o

I hadn't been expecting that. Fucking jackpot! ;)

It wasn't long, maybe four months or so before we went to our first swingers party. Since then we have evolved into having a group of friends we play with regularly but it has never been anything more than a group of great friends fucking all night & that's been just fine by us.

Polyamory of course has entered the conversation in our time together, we have a few friends who are poly even a couple who has a wonderful relationship with another wonderful couple. We've talked to them, picked their brains & talked about it with each other time and agains. Our official stance was that our genitals were poly but our hearts were monogamous.

I wasn't willing to say never though, I've done way to many things that I would "never" do in my life to know better than to say that. I kept the possibility open, not only has my curiosity always been spiked by the idea of having that sort of relationship but more importantly there are things that I want that I just can't have with Minx, things that may require something more than just a fuck buddy. Minx's stance however seemed a little more adamant, though I knew deep down she was curious & if the right situation were to present itself she would rethink her position, vocally she was certain she could never do that nor would she ever want to share me in that way.

Imagine my surprise when she warmed up to the idea quickly over the last three or four months. Deep down I think I've known it was coming for a while now but it still seemed like it came out of the blue. Perhaps it was the timing that surprised me more than anything but I suddenly found myself the one in the relationship who was more resistant to the idea when I had been the one for years saying never say never.

My head started playing tricks on me: "Is it me? Is she sick of me? Bored even?" Our relationship is the type that none of those things could be true, so much so that people who know us know that's the case but for a few moments my brains programming kicked in & I wasn't exactly in a good place with it. Then I thought "Deep down I've wanted this for awhile too...." and that my desire to be with others or feelings about others have no bearing or affect on Minx & I, in fact it could make us better.

Still there is a difference between knowing something and knowing something, a difference from having knowledge that something is true & believing it to be true. My heart was afraid, she's my everything, the air that I breath, the cool water I drink on a hot day, my warm blanket on a cold night. Why then in my right mind would I share that with someone? I should lock her up & keep that all to myself just in case of the off chance that I would lose some or God forbid all of that. I was fine with her having sex with others, love watching it even, I love watching her be slutty & I've even loved watching her get gang-banged but as sexy as she is the true treasure that is my wife is her beautiful, kind soul. Everyone falls in love with her when they meet her & no one can deny the magnetic draw of warmth & kindness the beams out of her within moments of knowing her.

For lack of a better term I am one lucky son of a bitch. What kind of idiot would I be if I risked something that most people would kill to have?

The funny thing about fear is that it's almost always cemented in ignorance. As humans we generally fear what we don't understand & we assign words to those things like "wrong" & "weird" to protect ourselves from our fears, to place ourselves above them so we don't have to risk possibly of discovering some scary truth. Knowledge it seems is the enemy of our fears & the only thing that can set us free of them.

Opening up our hearts to the possibility of loving others as well as fucking them is a great unknown, filled with so many what ifs, possible speed bumps or heartbreak. Though I have enough knowledge of polyamory to assign words to it like "beautiful" when it comes to adding it to Minx & I's relationship I don't know what will happen & my brain got scarred.

Then I remembered what I know.

I know she loves me like I love her, at least pretty damn close because I don't think we'll ever agree on who loves the other one more. No one could ever love anyone like I love her. I know that she's my world & I know that I'm the same to her for whatever crazy reason. ;) I know that no matter how much I may love someone else it will always pale in comparison to the love I have for her & even if somehow, in someway I'm wrong about that, no love I feel will ever surpass what I feel for her nor could any love I have for another alter the love I have for her in anyway. I know exactly what she means to me & I know she feels the same about me & that is all I really need to know.


Still I do know some scary stuff. I know I will never be able to give her everything she needs & I know the reverse is true but I know that we love each other so much that we would never wish to deny the other anything. If we do end up going down this path I know there is going to be bumps along the way, I know I'll be jealous sometimes & I know she will be too. I know there will be tears at some point & if there is something I hate more than anything it's seeing her cry, especially if I'm involved in the reason behind the tears. But as scary as all that is I know nothing worth doing is ever easy & I know we're going to do it together & that's all I care about.

Most of all though what gives me peace of mind is that I know we talk & we talk everyday. Good, bad or indifferent we are always totally open and honest with each other. It's always been that way with us ever since our first date & my advice to anyone single is to be completely & totally honest with someone from day one. It sets a precedent & it has made Minx & I stronger than anything I could have ever imagined before I met her. Besides, if someone can't handle you your just wasting time anyways.

Last night Minx & I had a long talk about all of this. I don't remember if it was me or her who said this but we shared a sentiment about our relationship: "Who's stronger than us?" I hope that doesn't sound too pretentious but we really do have an amazing relationship. My parents have been successfully married for 34 years & they still can't talk to each other like Minx & I can. We have been together almost everyday since just a month & a half after meeting each other and it only took that long because of other considerations. We haven't spent more than two days apart since & even now we act like fools in love when leaving each other for a night. People are shocked sometimes to find out we have been with each other for almost 5 years, they think we are newlyweds or are still in the lovey-dovey phase of a new relationship. In short the honeymoon still hasn't ended & I don't think it ever will. Who's strong like we are? Who's to say really no one knows what really exists between two other people but we're still sick for each other & like her parents, after 33+ years I hope that never changes.

Yes I'm excited and yes I'm scared but I'm a lot less scared when I think about what I know and how strong I know we are together. For right now though this is just something we are discussing, we both have people we are interested in to varying degrees but that's it. We may wish to go there with those people or maybe not, maybe they won't want to go there with us & maybe they will. Right now it's still a hypothetical discussion, we are going to take our time, go slow & see where it leads who knows where we will end up.

All I care about is that it's together.

Kinky To-Do-List I: Domly Dom Stuff

So I had an idea: All us kinky people, predominantly us Dominants, come up with kinky/sadistic ideas all the time. Problem is if you're like me you forget many of those awesome twisted ideas. So why not write them down? So here is my plan, see that tab up top that says "Kinky To-Do-List"? Well it's exactly what it sounds like, it's a place for me to keep track of things I'd like to do, ideas I have, goals for myself, toys I want to buy, fantasies I want to make into a reality & maybe even some I don't. Think of it as an all encompassing BDSM Christmas list if you will!

Domly Dom Stuff:

I figured I'd start with the stuff my inner Dominant wants, it's my predominant role & it's easy for me to write about.

-Get better with rope: This has been on my list of things to do for years & slowly but surely I've been working on it. Still I'm ashamed to say I've made very little progress in the time I've had to do it, especially considering how many friends I have that are amazing with rope. I learn by doing so it's just something I have to break down & practice, practice, practice. Good news is the other day I attempted an easy tie on Minx but it was one I had never done before. Usually that sort of stuff makes me nervous but I was supremely confident in being able to do it & I nailed it. Usually when I'm learning new things I need to have an experience like that to really get motivated & I can feel the drive to move forward with it waking up so I maybe making some progress with this in the near future. I've waited long enough for this one, there isn't many things sexier to me than a tied up, helpless & exposed women.

Speaking of tied up & helpless: One of my favorite photos.

-Piercing & Cutting: I used to enjoy piercing. Problem was it's one of those things that wrecks me. Just the rush & the high from it totally knocks me out. It's because of that that I stopped doing it for a long while, so much so that I don't feel comfortable doing it again without a refresher course. I've already spoken to a friend who is amazing with needles but we haven't seen each other in a while so we haven't got around to it yet. Cutting is a bit different, I've never done it before but have wanted to for years. I once watched a cutting scene & to this day it's one of the very best I've ever seen. Just watching it gave me the rush of a needle scene! Plus it just seems like more my style. Have some friends that are quite good with it. Need to hit them up.

-Minx as my slave for the day: If this seems like a forgone conclusion it's not. Minx & I are not 24/7, nor is there much serious D/s between us besides how we just interact with each other in general. We have talked about doing this at some point but it's tough when you have a vanilla roommate who's also familly. Also both of our moods fluctuate greatly & this would require us being pretty damn in sync to pull off. Still it's not impossible, I think renting a hotel room for a day or two at something like the wonderful resort we just stayed at would be perfect for this. We'd have privacy, a new environment to get ourselves out of our daily headspace & it would require us to set a specific date. Of all the things on these lists I'll be writing this is near the top of it.

-Dehumanization/Objectification: Not so much a to do but it's something that I've discovered I love & I want to play with it more. I really putting a hood over Minx & using her. The one we have has a mouth opening as to not stop me from using her mouth too. There is something about taking someones identity away and using them as nothing more than a fuck hole that is wildly erotic to me & I really want to do it more, most likely in conjunction with things I'm going to write about later.

-Poker party: One of my biggest fantasies & one of my oldest. This a guys night, poker, cigars & even dressed up (ties & the like) but with a moderate to high protocol D/s twist. Think female submissives/slaves to serve us, suck us, get fucked by us, or fuck each other all for our enjoyment. We could even gamble the women & certain services. Have this image in my mind of one girl under the table taking turns blowing each guy while we play... preferably Minx, it turns me on incredibly when she's slutty & I love sharing her (more on this later) The challenge would be getting a group of people together to where everyone is willing to do these things with everyone else... could be hard. Also love the idea of having one girl tied to a bed & blindfolded in another room and have her be the prize for a hand or two. Leave her there alone for awhile (safety) & let the tension build up. Then when the winner starts using her she'll have no idea who it is.... I think you can imagine the rest.

-The Domly Dom Shopping list:

More Rope! See above.

Straight jacket. More specifically one like this. I L-O-V-E helpless girls in bondage (see rope stuff above) & I love boobs which this kind clearly shows off! It's a win-win. I've wanted one of these for ages & I want to make it happen soon. In fact I think it's what I want to ask Kinky-clause for Christmas this year! As a bottom years ago one of the most intense experiences I ever had was in a straight jacket. Getting to do something similar to someone has been on my to-do-list for a very long time now.

Muzzle. Not only do I love helpless women but I love them gagged too. Thing is Minx has TMJ & gags over any long period of time can be difficult for her to handle. I never use them with her, I know I can from time to time for a moderate amount of time but I've become a little gun shy about it because of her condition  The solution? One of these! Most preferably in conjunction with the above straight jacket!   

Inflatable dildo to begin stretching Minx for regular fisting activities. I've fisted her once & I've fisted someone else a couple of times now but thats about it.

A Dildo with a suction cup. I once saw a photo on tumblr (saved it somewhere) where they had a mirror, on the mirror hung a dildo held on by a built in suction cup. A guy was fucking the girl doggy style while she sucked the dildo. Fucking HOT! As I mentioned above I love when my wife is a slut & often fantasize about her sucking another cock while I fuck her. Plus you get the added bonus of the mind fuck as she watches herself suck a cock in the mirror & me getting to see it too. We even have the perfect mirror in our room to do it with. I need to make this happen!

Sort of like this! ...like the idea of one in her too.

Well thats it for now. I plan on doing a few of these over the next few weeks detailing my other wish list items with the goal of working on making them happen through the next year or so. Subjects include: Role Playing scenarios, sexual/group activities, Subby stuff & a post about things that may be better off left as fantasy. Hope you enjoy.