Fast forward a few years down the line & that time came when on January 5th 2008 I had what at the time I could only describe as a “religious experience”. I was in San Francisco to meet a Domme I had met online but when she started to take me as it were I reached up, pulled the blindfold off my face & said:
“I can’t do this”
“Why not?” she asked
“Because I’m a Dom.”
To my surprise her next words were “I know”
Supposedly she had seen it & it’s not a wonder why. For months I had been changing & my last relationship with a wonderful person which had gone south for few reasons was greatly impacted by the fact that I just wasn't submissive to her anymore.
That day it all clicked & I tapped into a part of myself, a powerful part of myself, that I had never known existed and I used that power well. I was a late bloomer, a man-child as it were but within a month I was living on my own & making major changes to my lifestyle including diet & exercise which lost me close to 50 lbs in just over 5 months. I decided, demanded even that 2008 would be the best year of my life & it was even before I met & fell in love with my wife, I felt unstoppable.
Of course the rug quickly got pulled out from under me.
I can’t remember when it happened or how, maybe I saw a picture that turned me on or I was reminiscing about past experiences but I had a fantasy & I was the submissive in it. It scared me, I feared that I was going to lose what I had gained & scared that my new love would leave me based on her own insecurities she had voiced to me. I was terrified of what it implied & all I could do was live in denial of my desires even as they slowly became more common.
Over the next few years my insecurities only got worse & I slowly lost touch with what I had tapped into in myself. I knew my fears were moronic & baseless but as I said in my last post there is a difference between knowing something & knowing something & it’s a lesson I learned the hard way during this time.
Now-a-days things are different. Over the last two years I’ve slowly started to come around & relax about it, I’ve been able to talk to Minx about it more easily & bottomed occasionally here and there. I even changed my FetLife to read “switch” & left it that way, silly as it seems that was a big step for me. I even began to refer to my insecurities in the past tense & a lot of them are but not all. They still linger, they still flare up now and again & no matter how much I work at it I feel like two sides & sets of desires that are at odds with each other.
It became more clear to me when I came to understand from just where in my psyche my submissive side comes from: it’s truly the exact opposite of my Dominant side. Suddenly it made sense why both sides of me were at war with each other & why they had trouble co-existing with each other. This understanding helped me make peace with myself but this peace wasn’t a reconciliation just an understanding between two sides of myself that let me explore both sides independently of each other. It helped a great deal but both parts of me were still wrapped up in their own little boxes, compartmentalized away from each other.
Last night I realized this just won't do either.
I've long known that putting too much weight on labels is a mistake. They box us in, stop us from exploring things we might otherwise. Words like Dom(me), sub, Top, bottom, switch, etc. have definitions that are far too narrow to encompass any humans sexuality including my own. Assigning inflexible labels to ourselves can stop us from experiencing things that we might otherwise like to and limits the type of relationships we can enjoy with others.
One of the very reasons my submissiveness came roaring back is because of regret. Regret of things that I did not get to do the first time, experiences that I wanted to have that never did. If I died today I'd have a lot of regret because of it, a whole aspect of myself left unexplored. For someone who is obsessed with self knowledge this is a horrible fate to contemplate.
"Fuck that" I thought to myself last night.
Life is nothing but a series of experiences & relationships. To limit what you're willing to experience is to invite regret into your life and to me there is nothing more tragic. To assign an inflexible label to yourself prevents you from being open to certain types of relationships that you otherwise might enjoy. To put yourself in a box that closes you off from good things that may come into your life seems like such a horrible waste.
I'm done.
I'm exhausted from dealing with silly insecurities. I'm through with even thinking about labels, labels that I know do nothing but limit me in enjoying my life. It's time for me to practice what I preach, to just let go & be me, to let myself enjoy whatever comes along no matter what.
No more boxes.
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| "I don't fits so good in this." |
This weekend my wife and I are taking a major step in our lives together. This weekend for the first time we are playing with other people separately from each other. She's staying local and playing with a new friend and I'm going to Las Vegas to play with a wonderful Domme who I've gotten to know quite well over the past few years. To tell you the truth along with my excitement I've been scared shitless for the obvious reasons and others many of them once again wrapped up in my stupid fears. Fears that I'm not letting control me anymore. I've still got work to do but no more boxes, no more denying myself things that I may enjoy, no more putting restrictions on relationships that may develop naturally over time.
What will my relationship be with this new Domme? Up until now I've only ever allowed for the possibility of us being play partners and nothing more. How boring. What if we have an incredible connection & I want to be her sub? To be collared by her? To be her slave if we want that even? Sure that last one is incredibly far fetched for me to see as realistic, I don't have a slave’s heart but am I going to close the door on that possibility before I even get to know her or myself better? Why? Because of fear?
Fuck that noise.
With this new mindset I'm even more excited about this than I thought possible. What'll happen? Who will I be in 5 years because of it? Probably someone very different than I am now or maybe not at all different but its funny to think that its almost 5 years to the day when I was in San Francisco & "went Dom". Now I know I was just a stupid boy who thought he had it all figured out.
Now?
Well now I realize I don't have any of it figured out and that makes life a lot more free & exciting. Which is a hell of a lot better than being stuck in some stupid box.
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