Possibilities

Insomnia. It's a beast that I have struggled with on & off for ages. Stubborn as I am I've never sought out help for it until tomorrow when I go to my doctor. I am at the end of my rope & it takes a lot to wear me down. The past three weeks have been brutal. On top of being sick I've gone through one of the worst bouts I've ever dealt with & none of the usual remedies are doing the trick. So whats been keeping me up?

Possibilities.

I am ADHD. That means when my brain gets excited about something it's very difficult to think about anything else. Medication has helped me tremendously over the past few years but sometimes at night when it's quiet, when I have time to think and I'm horny as all hell all I can think about are the possibilities.

Minx & I going poly over the last few months has been very hard, more so on me than her I'm sad to admit. I always thought that it would be the reverse but it hasn't been. It's been an emotional roller-coaster & it seems like we are constantly talking about the difficulties with each other or arguing more than we normally do. Despite this I know this is the right decision and that I want this just as much as she does. I know that my issues stem mostly from tricks my mind is playing on me & the shock of rapidly evolving our relationship in such a drastic new way. How do I know it's the right choice you ask? Because late at night when all is quite & I'm alone with my thoughts the hardship isn't whats on my mind.

It's the possibilities.

The possibilities of what I can do, what I can explore & who I can explore them with. The possibilities are endless & to be frank my brain is fucking excited about them!

It seems like the thoughts are out of control sometimes, desperately looking for release. That's what ADD does sometimes, it's an itch that you can't scratch until you experience the object of your thoughts and with endless possibilities, endless combinations, I've got a few itches that I just can't quite reach yet.

That's how I know going poly is the right decision. The tough times are a very small percentage of my actual thoughts it just seems like it's a bigger deal because that's been the focus of Minx & I's discussions lately. The rest of the time I can't stop being excited about being able to do all of the things that I could ever want to do.

Some nights I can't stop thinking about where things with Mistress Lilyana will go, what we'll do together, how things will evolve & just how deep I might be able to dive into my bottom side again.

Other nights I think of the reverse. I finally got a little taste of what I craved as a bottom again & since I have the fog has cleared a little bit. I was so caught up with scratching that itch that I realize now just how much I've ignored my Dominant nature. I miss having a submissive, I crave that connection again. It's time to get back out into the lifestyle & give myself the chance of meeting someone.

Some nights it's about our friends. We are lucky enough to have so many amazing friends in our lives, friends that enjoying sexual situations with would be very possible. I would love to spend time & enjoy myself with so many of them in a kaleidoscope of combinations that overwhelms my brain sometimes. One night I was so caught up in these thoughts that I started a wish list in my brain of the "perfect" situations that I would like to experience only to find out my wish list is rather endless. One of these days I hope to have the courage to approach these people because I think some of these ideas could be quite wonderful.

Then last night happened, last night was special. Yesterday a very unique possibility was presented to me and as per usual it was on my mind as I tried to find sleep. This is one of those things that comes along once in a lifetime if even that. It's still not set in stone, it's still in the "lets talk about this" phase & the principles & I have to sit down and have a long chat about the gory details because it has a very real chance of touching on some very heavy subject matter for one of those involved. Still my brain was excited & I couldn't help but think about some ideas I had about the possible scene if the Top involved feels like it would be a good addition to what she has planed. If I decided to go through with this which at the moment I believe I will if it comes to fruition.

There is a lot to be excited about, so many infinite possibilities. For my ADD brain this can be incredibly overwhelming at times because to put it simply:

I want it all & I want it now.

I'm a hedonist after all.

I suppose it beats being kept awake at night by negative thoughts. I'm so lucky that I have such an amazing wife that I can share this with. A wife I'm learning to share with others more than I ever thought I would & who is so good at sharing me. I feel blessed to have the freedom to explore my sexuality in ways people can only dream & I love Minx even more for giving me the gift of that freedom. With that in mind I suppose it's only fitting that I end this with the final thought I can remember having last night before I finally passed out, the only thought that really maters:

"I love my life"