The Possibility of Going Poly

Polyamory.

I have a lot of friends who have been very successful with it & I have heard less horror stories about it than I have about monogamous relationships. As far as I can tell if the people involved have their shit together it can & does work. True of anything I suppose but a polyamorous relationship requires a level of work & security that I feel many people do not posses let alone for all partners involved to do so. It also seems to be a very polarizing subject with people even in the kink community, at least in a personal sense that is. People are either wired that way or they are not but Minx & I have always been a little bit different.

When I met Minx I was just a week out of a relationship that taxed me pretty brutally. The only reason I agreed to go out on a date at all was how great our email communication had been & how cute her smile was (my number 1 thing in a women physically... seriously:) but if it hadn't worked out I really wouldn't have cared. (Then, not now obviously!!) The result? Honesty. I have never been more brutally honest on a first date in my life. I told her within the first hour:

"I don't think I can be with one women for the rest of my life"   

Who the fuck says that on a first date?! If I was the girl I would have felt like crap. I barley know this girl & I'm already telling her that she alone can not possibly meet all of my needs. That sucks. At least it would have if she didn't reply:

"I don't think I can be either" 

O_o

I hadn't been expecting that. Fucking jackpot! ;)

It wasn't long, maybe four months or so before we went to our first swingers party. Since then we have evolved into having a group of friends we play with regularly but it has never been anything more than a group of great friends fucking all night & that's been just fine by us.

Polyamory of course has entered the conversation in our time together, we have a few friends who are poly even a couple who has a wonderful relationship with another wonderful couple. We've talked to them, picked their brains & talked about it with each other time and agains. Our official stance was that our genitals were poly but our hearts were monogamous.

I wasn't willing to say never though, I've done way to many things that I would "never" do in my life to know better than to say that. I kept the possibility open, not only has my curiosity always been spiked by the idea of having that sort of relationship but more importantly there are things that I want that I just can't have with Minx, things that may require something more than just a fuck buddy. Minx's stance however seemed a little more adamant, though I knew deep down she was curious & if the right situation were to present itself she would rethink her position, vocally she was certain she could never do that nor would she ever want to share me in that way.

Imagine my surprise when she warmed up to the idea quickly over the last three or four months. Deep down I think I've known it was coming for a while now but it still seemed like it came out of the blue. Perhaps it was the timing that surprised me more than anything but I suddenly found myself the one in the relationship who was more resistant to the idea when I had been the one for years saying never say never.

My head started playing tricks on me: "Is it me? Is she sick of me? Bored even?" Our relationship is the type that none of those things could be true, so much so that people who know us know that's the case but for a few moments my brains programming kicked in & I wasn't exactly in a good place with it. Then I thought "Deep down I've wanted this for awhile too...." and that my desire to be with others or feelings about others have no bearing or affect on Minx & I, in fact it could make us better.

Still there is a difference between knowing something and knowing something, a difference from having knowledge that something is true & believing it to be true. My heart was afraid, she's my everything, the air that I breath, the cool water I drink on a hot day, my warm blanket on a cold night. Why then in my right mind would I share that with someone? I should lock her up & keep that all to myself just in case of the off chance that I would lose some or God forbid all of that. I was fine with her having sex with others, love watching it even, I love watching her be slutty & I've even loved watching her get gang-banged but as sexy as she is the true treasure that is my wife is her beautiful, kind soul. Everyone falls in love with her when they meet her & no one can deny the magnetic draw of warmth & kindness the beams out of her within moments of knowing her.

For lack of a better term I am one lucky son of a bitch. What kind of idiot would I be if I risked something that most people would kill to have?

The funny thing about fear is that it's almost always cemented in ignorance. As humans we generally fear what we don't understand & we assign words to those things like "wrong" & "weird" to protect ourselves from our fears, to place ourselves above them so we don't have to risk possibly of discovering some scary truth. Knowledge it seems is the enemy of our fears & the only thing that can set us free of them.

Opening up our hearts to the possibility of loving others as well as fucking them is a great unknown, filled with so many what ifs, possible speed bumps or heartbreak. Though I have enough knowledge of polyamory to assign words to it like "beautiful" when it comes to adding it to Minx & I's relationship I don't know what will happen & my brain got scarred.

Then I remembered what I know.

I know she loves me like I love her, at least pretty damn close because I don't think we'll ever agree on who loves the other one more. No one could ever love anyone like I love her. I know that she's my world & I know that I'm the same to her for whatever crazy reason. ;) I know that no matter how much I may love someone else it will always pale in comparison to the love I have for her & even if somehow, in someway I'm wrong about that, no love I feel will ever surpass what I feel for her nor could any love I have for another alter the love I have for her in anyway. I know exactly what she means to me & I know she feels the same about me & that is all I really need to know.


Still I do know some scary stuff. I know I will never be able to give her everything she needs & I know the reverse is true but I know that we love each other so much that we would never wish to deny the other anything. If we do end up going down this path I know there is going to be bumps along the way, I know I'll be jealous sometimes & I know she will be too. I know there will be tears at some point & if there is something I hate more than anything it's seeing her cry, especially if I'm involved in the reason behind the tears. But as scary as all that is I know nothing worth doing is ever easy & I know we're going to do it together & that's all I care about.

Most of all though what gives me peace of mind is that I know we talk & we talk everyday. Good, bad or indifferent we are always totally open and honest with each other. It's always been that way with us ever since our first date & my advice to anyone single is to be completely & totally honest with someone from day one. It sets a precedent & it has made Minx & I stronger than anything I could have ever imagined before I met her. Besides, if someone can't handle you your just wasting time anyways.

Last night Minx & I had a long talk about all of this. I don't remember if it was me or her who said this but we shared a sentiment about our relationship: "Who's stronger than us?" I hope that doesn't sound too pretentious but we really do have an amazing relationship. My parents have been successfully married for 34 years & they still can't talk to each other like Minx & I can. We have been together almost everyday since just a month & a half after meeting each other and it only took that long because of other considerations. We haven't spent more than two days apart since & even now we act like fools in love when leaving each other for a night. People are shocked sometimes to find out we have been with each other for almost 5 years, they think we are newlyweds or are still in the lovey-dovey phase of a new relationship. In short the honeymoon still hasn't ended & I don't think it ever will. Who's strong like we are? Who's to say really no one knows what really exists between two other people but we're still sick for each other & like her parents, after 33+ years I hope that never changes.

Yes I'm excited and yes I'm scared but I'm a lot less scared when I think about what I know and how strong I know we are together. For right now though this is just something we are discussing, we both have people we are interested in to varying degrees but that's it. We may wish to go there with those people or maybe not, maybe they won't want to go there with us & maybe they will. Right now it's still a hypothetical discussion, we are going to take our time, go slow & see where it leads who knows where we will end up.

All I care about is that it's together.