Having Fun

As a Dom I'm a perfectionist. I obsess over everything being just right & worry that my bottom may have any part of the experience be a negative.

As a bottom my Dominant personality has really gotten in the way of me letting go for years & until very recently it was downright impossible. 

Somewhere along the line I forgot to have fun.

As a Dom I was so caught up in being perfect & with Minx I was trying so hard to have the D/s we strived for yet came to the conclusion that we we're not meant for. Playing became a chore, a pain in the ass.

As a bottom I had issues. I started as a bottom, then went Dom & suddenly was too uptight to bottom. Working through that has been the hardest thing I've had to to in my kinky life. For a long time I couldn't let go, my dumb ego kept getting in the way even though I knew it was dumb. One of the many things I had forgotten is that I was doing this for fun. It feels good, emotionally & physically to bottom. It's a tremendous release that I was just to uptight to experience.

Minx & I very recently have started playing with a wonderful play partner, Lady Isadora. She is for lack of a better term amazing. We have been talking for months now & when we first realized there was that kind of chemistry we talked a lot about me bottoming to her as I've needed a Domme play partner for awhile now. However one of the big things that made me comfortable sharing that side of me with her was that like me she has a bottom side that she's had some issues with.

This weekend the three of us are getting together & I'm topping both her & Minx.

As excited as I am to have two of the most beautiful women I know all to myself as always I've been my obsessive Dom self at times this week, especially because she hasn't bottomed in years. I know what a big deal that is, how hard it is to even find someone you trust in that way to even try. I couldn't be more honored & flattered that she wants me in that way but earlier in the week I had some nerves: I want to give her nothing short of an amazing experience. That's me, I always want to be the best, to be perfect. Especially for someone who is putting a tremendous amount of trust in me.

Fuck perfect

The biggest lesson I've had to learn since I've started to bottom again is to have fun. Fuck all the bullshit & have a good time, after all that's what this is all about right? Same goes for my Dominant side, I forgot to have fun with it, always too worried about every little detail, my mind always only half enjoying what's happening.

So this weekend I have one goal in mind: have fun! ....and use my two hot girls as my personal fuck toys, make them put on a live girl-on-girl porno for me & just generally mind fuck them into wonderland.

All of us need a reminder sometimes: have fun and the rest of it will all fall into place because the harder you try to make something happen the harder you will fail at it. It's my goal to keep that in my mind from now on whatever I'm doing, top or bottom. I don't want topping to be a chore anymore, I love it, why should it be? I don't want to get to uptight about bottoming again, it's an amazing release & it downright empowers the shit out of me. No more perfect, no more worries, no more stress, it's fun time!

Earlier I was texting with Minx:

Her: So excited for our weekend adventure!

Me: Anything special you want to do?

Her: I just want to have fun. 

Me: Me too, fun sounds fun

Her: Yeah it does.

.... yeah, it does.

Fifty Shades of Sox

Friend: "Hows your day?"

Me: "Good, Working on maybe starting up a kinky/sex blog."

Friend: "Really? Whats your angle?" 

.... Fuck, 10 minuets into this thing & I'm already fucking stumped!

Whats my angle? Honestly? I suppose I don't have one. I used to blog a lot on the likes of Live Journal with a group of friends & at times I miss it. I like being able to log in there and look back at what I wrote in years past, when I first met my wife & our early adventures together. My thoughts right before our wedding are wonderful to be able to look back on & even the times before we met when I was a much different person are a testament of just how much I've grown up. It's like a time capsule of me & I'm a little sad that I've had nothing like that over the past few years.

Since that time I had discovered Google Reader, Blogger & Wordpress mainly because of a now defunct hobby I used to have but as I looked around I started to discover sex/kink blogs. Didn't take me long to discover that there is a lot of crap out there but lucky for me the first one I discovered is still one of my favorites & it kept my eye open for more quality blogs of a similar style. 

That style? Human. If I wanted to read erotica I would, real life is much hotter than any bullshit story ever could be anyway. Furthermore it's the people that share their real "vanilla" lives along with the kinky stuff that make it interesting, the more real the people are the more interested I tend to be. Hopefully I can be real enough to draw your attention. 

So whats my angle? Besides being a man? (Seems like most sex bloggers are women) Not sure if I'll ever have one I suppose. If anything this blog is for me to be able to look back on & remember my thoughts from the here & now when I'm reading this as a (hopefully) older & wiser person. If anyone besides me is interested? Cool, it's nice to have you along!

So I suppose I should start with a little about me:

I'm a 32 year old male living in beautiful southern California with my amazing wife, my two awesome dogs & enjoying my time with some of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for. I grew up in a small town in Massachusetts 40 miles outside of Boston until I moved here with my parents at the age of 12. Since I first discovered my sexuality I was kinky. The first time I masturbated I fantasized about a domestic service scenario. Considering what a sheltered childhood I had it's hard to imagine that I wasn't born this way.

Since I'm being lazy I'll elaborate on some important stuff with some bullet points, the rest I suppose you can figure out as we go!

Minx: I couldn't begin to tell you about myself without first telling you about my wife, Minx. You know those very rare, really old couples that are still madly in love with each other after 50something years together? That's us.... sans the old part for now. She's my air, my water, my everything. She's so fond of calling me her "North Star" or her "guiding light" but I don't think she knows just how much of a compass she is for me as well. Without her I'd be completely lost & I wouldn't have a reason to care that I was. I could go on & on but no words could ever express just how much she means to me, I think you get the point. ;)

Our Relationship: For ages we tried to have a serious Dominant/submissive relationship until we came to the conclusion for a few reasons that it just wasn't for us. With us it's a more casual thing, I'm still the Dominant partner in the bedroom & in the running of our everyday lives but it's subtle, we don't have any protocols or serious rules but a few small things we like. Maybe things will change someday but really I don't care, one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn & I'm still in the process of learning is that it's all about having fun together. To forget that has led us to some not so fun places.  

So you're kinky?: Not just yes but HELL YES. I'm a switch, I started off as a bottom in the lifestyle, then went all hardcore Dom & now I've come to rest somewhere in the middle after a few years of struggling to be okay with being on the bottom again. I'm predominantly Dominant but with special people I have a submissive side that I've grown to accept & love as a great part of me. Also we're both quite the hedonists, we get off on getting off.... "Top-heavy switch, sadomasochistic, hedonist" with more to be added per my discretion. Moving on...

Swingers? Open-Relationship? Poly? For lack of a better term we are indeed swingers though I've always had a hard time calling myself such as I don't like the negative connotation it carries. I suppose it carries a air of casualness with it that isn't often present with us. We usually do our fucking with a select group, sometimes it's with someone new or even someone we just met but for the most part it's with a small group of established people. Don't get me wrong, we're far from snobs & to be honest we're sluts and we love it! There is not much I love more than watching my wife be slutty, the sluttier the better! Hell I relish every second of it & for some strange reason it makes me love her even more. I think it's because she's MY slut! :)

Our relationship has always been open per se but having play partners with out the other around is a new thing for us that we are just now exploring. Maybe with everyone's permission you'll read a little about that later. 

As for being poly, we think it's beautiful but our hearts belong to each other & no one could ever change that. Could we love another someday? Possibly. At this point I've been wrong in life to many times to never say never but if love did develop in one or both of us for another I know for me at least I wouldn't be in love with them. I know one of the prime concepts of poly is that there is no limit to the love a person can give & I agree wholeheartedly but as much as I may feel for others they could never be my wife. I never believed in the concept of soul mates until I met her, now I know it's something real, even tangible. As I said at this point I've eaten enough crow to know how foolish it is to say the word never but if it happened that person would forever be a guest in her world & only ever there with her complete blessing.

ADD Yes I'm ADD. (ADHD) It's been both a blessing & a curse in my life and I continue to learn how to live my life using it as an advantage and not a curse. I've been receiving treatment for it going on almost 4 years now & that treatment has made immeasurable improvements in my life. Some days it is a curse & often times it does hinder me from doing things I want to do or finishing projects that I wish to finish. (If this is the only post here after a long while... yeah) Some days it does tear me up, the thought of just how much better I could be without it, wishing there was a way to cure it but there isn't. I wouldn't be me without it, so all I can do is take the good parts with the bad parts, work on what I can & learn to love the rest unconditionally. 

Sox? That's me! An old nickname that sprang up from my fanatical love of the Boston Red Sox & all things Boston sports. Actually I wish I could change it but I've just never come up with anything better, it represents an old me, something that I still love dearly with all of my heart but is no longer truly important to me like it once was.  

50 Shades? Ah Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm not going to go over the good, the bad & the ugly (not too much) of those books here but using the name in my blog title is not only accurate but also exploitative! (anything to get more hits baby!) For me to use the term Fifty Shades of Grey to describe something as beautiful, loving & as exciting as BDSM is doing it a horrible disservice. Grey is boring, sad & lonely. So maybe the character in the book is those things but BDSM is none of those things. BDSM is every color in the rainbow & some you've never heard of before. So is my wonderful wife & the life we share & yes so am I. I'm a complicated guy with a lot of different sides, learning to love myself has been very difficult & continues to do so. All of those things, BDSM, my wife & yes even myself are beautiful & multi-colored....

Fifty shades of everything but grey.

P.S. Perhaps I should have called the blog Fifty Shades of Long-winded. More later, thanks for reading!